to post or not to post....that is the question. well, if you are reading this then i must have posted it.
i love small towns and i love small churches. i love feeling like i am a part of one big happy family. so why then, you might ask, am i in a large metroplex, a semi big church, and so far from family. the answer is...i don't know. when you commit to a life in ministry you don't get to say "hey, i'd like to live in xyz town. lets's go there." no, you must go where a church is. and having to remain inside a particular denomontion narrows your possibilities down even further. you can be in almost any field and work anywhere you choose except ministry. i miss the small town feeling, i miss small church that is as close as family, i miss home. you'd think after 3 1/2 years i'd be over it. sure, i go through times where i am more content that others, but the bottom line is i miss the small stuff. maybe God just wants me to not be content in this world so i will long for something better. i don't know. just wondering.
all this got really stirred up in my head and heart last night as we visited the gilmers baldridge church. some old friends of ours from early youth ministry days are minstering there. they invited bret to come speak for their summer wednesday night series--something only smaller churches host, i think. they had our whole family over for dinner before church and we enjoyed great mentoring and conversation. the church was very small and didn't necessarily sing the best or have the best children's program, but they loved on us and each other like pros!!! we felt so good there. sometimes i think i could probably compromise on excellence in order to have good ole folks loving on each other and not caring one bit about how perfect (or imperfect)anything went.
i'm not saying that where i am is bad. its just so different from what i grew up with and i miss what i grew up on. i just don't understand why we are trying so hard to offer up excellent sacrifices with the newest and best out there when what is asked of us is to give a sincere and authentic heart. whether its perfect in the end when it all comes out is not the point. that it was done with a sincere heart is what matters. i absolutely love hearing anyone sing out praises to God with carefree abandonment...especially if they don't really have a good voice...because i know that reqires them being completely open and vulnerable before the Lord.
this should not be read and concluded that i am having a hard time or that i am struggling right now. i am actually doing really well. last night just reminded me of my roots and i like my roots. :-)
3 comments:
hmmm . . . love when you post. love hearing what you're thinking and feeling. always makes me miss you, though! but I do know what you mean. "Big church" is fun to visit and worship with - gives you a mountaintop boost. but, as dorothy said, there's no place like home. even though you don't live here still, you're loved here still! come see us sometime!
Finally you post! It's amazing how much stuff I get that we don't manage to talk about on the phone! (but I do hear the I miss home part...) I have to hold on to the hope that ya'll will be back home...someday. I just wish it was while the kids are still little. Family means so much when growing up. The memories are precious. BUT...they are making memories where they are. They don't know anything other than life in Texas...and after all, those fond memories are, in part, a product of childhood. I know you were remembering services at Midway..haha...the "carefree abandonment", and often tone deaf (Bill haha) I'm certainly not the greatest singer, but I too love to pour my heart out...that's when I feel like I worship God with the whole heart. I'm glad you are getting a new dog...ya'll really do need one. You have had really bad luck in being able to keep a dog...but don't give up. No matter how many dogs it takes. Don't you remember how many dogs we had over the years, not counting cats, mice and various other sundry animals! I can name at least a dozen dogs alone. They teach kids so much. The unconditional love of a dog is so precious. Wish humans had that same ability! Keep up the posts! 29 days and counting! (only 3 to the big 50!!) LOVE YOU!
alright I am not going to even act affended because I know that your heart is always pure. I do however have to stand up a little for the big churches, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about for little churches...all of my experiences with small churches have not been kind or welcoming. Though I am completely at home in the big churches since it was through a mega-church which I found Christ. Just two different ways of growing up...
but whats matters here is that though very different here we are together. I consider you very much family and though I know you long for home, I am so thankful for the family your family has been to John and I. Espeically as it seems we continue to lose friends.
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